Live the Life That You’re Proud Of: A Reflection on Lebaran and Society’s Expectations
“We spend our whole lives trying to meet targets set by someone else.” — Conversation On Love by Natasha Lunn.
Lebaran is around the corner, and with it comes the dread of family gatherings and unsolicited advice. We’ve all been there — the endless barrage of questions about our personal lives, education, career, and relationship status. It’s like we’re not living our lives but rather society’s expectations of what our lives should be.
Many people I know loathe Lebaran, Christmas, or any family occasion. Most of them hate it because they’ll be barraged by questions such as “When are you going to get married?”, “Where’s your boyfriend/girlfriend?” or if you’re married, “When are you going to have a baby?” or if you already have a baby, “When are you going to have another baby?”, “Did you do this and that (insert parenting advice)” “What’s your job now? How much are you making?”.
I personally love Lebaran and family occasions. I love my extended family, especially my cousins. But it’s not because I’m free from these kinds of questions or unsolicited advice, even though, by my own standard, I’m living a good and great life. I’m quite the oddball of the family — I’m 30 years old, not married, queer, and work in “social sectors.” And, because I’m not married, no matter how much success I have achieved, both academically and career, it means almost nothing to them. And I know, even if I were to get married, I’ll be barraged by questions about kids. It’s a never-ending question.
So, I have two options when faced with this:
1. Question how I live and rearrange my life according to someone else’s or society’s standard and expectations who mostly and ironically give that kind of unsolicited advice because they’re unhappy.
or
2. Nod along, smile, thank them for their advice, and understand that they do it out of traditions, customs, and sometimes love. But I continue to live as I want to. After all, I am the one who lives my life, not theirs, not the society, and if I feel happy by this standard, why bother?
Do we live according to our own standards or others? : The harmful effect of living the life set by others’ standard
In my early twenties, I thought following society’s norms was the only way to live a successful life. I wanted to fit in, be accepted, and please everyone around me. So I worked hard to get into a good university and felt bad for choosing a major my mom didn’t favor. My mom wanted me to take Economics like her, and my father then went on to work for BUMN, again, like her and my father. But I decided to take International Relations instead and pursue a career in the NGOs sector.
My first realization that no matter how much I achieved, I could never please anybody was when I finally got my Master’s degree on scholarship. I went back to Indonesia, continued to pursue a career in the NGO sector, and was met with questions: “Why did I choose a sector that will not bring me any money?” I could choose a for-profit company or work comfortably in BUMN, especially with my family’s connections. I could live the life of a comfortable nepotism baby.
It’s not like I didn’t try. I tried working in the for-profit sector: agency, startup, and consultant to BUMN. But, during that time, I felt like I was losing myself. I became so consumed with what other people thought of me that I forgot what truly made me happy. So I was actually delighted to be a late bloomer: I took my Master’s four years after my Bachelor’s and went from one NGO to another until I found myself in my current job: a job that not only gives me the proper welfare, even better than working for a for-profit company, but also the right amount of challenges, and most importantly: the mission and values that I truly believed in.
And you know what? Even after all that, I’m still being questioned why I didn’t work for my family’s business, create my own business, or work for BUMN.
I told you, it’s a never-ending question. It’s easy to get lost in the maze of someone’s expectations and forget about our own dreams, aspirations, and talents. I was haunted by the thoughts of disappointing my family if I were to pursue my unconventional way of life. But I realized that if I continued living according to someone else’s or society’s standards, I would limit my potential. I had to step out of my comfort zone and pursue what truly made me happy, even if it meant going against the norm.
I live the life that I’m proud of
I was a former gifted kid with hopes and expectations put on me. It is understandable because my parents set a good example, but I am not my parents; I am my own individual. I chose to step out of my comfort zone and pursue what truly made me happy, but I always felt like I was being selfish.
But in the end, how can I make my family proud or happy if I, myself, isn’t proud of who I am and happy with my life?
Living according to someone else’s or society’s standards would only lead to regret and resentment in the long run. I didn’t want to feel anger, bitterness, and disappointment, especially toward my family. So, years ago, I decided to take control of my life and start living it on my own terms. So, whenever Lebaran or family occasions come, and someone asks me questions about how I live my life or gives me unsolicited advice, I’ll say: “Thank you for caring and loving me.”
So this Lebaran, I invite you to reflect on your life and ask yourself — are you living the life you’re proud of? Are you pursuing your dreams and passions, living up to someone else’s expectations? Life is too short to live someone else’s dream. Live your own, and live it proudly.
